It is always the same:
What is this place- she asks.
It is whatever you decide- I say.
The question is-
what part of you
is doing the deciding?

The Wait

The Sun came up all orange today
A perfect burning sphere
And my heart was full of love for you
as I watched it through the trees
Feeling clearly that it is easy
to make conviction
and to burn passion
and to nurture seeing eyes.
But you are not a man yet
and I- yet not a woman
and so we wait...

Things as They Are

Keep still my heart
keep every drop of content
that you've gathered

A turquoise pool
in the depths of my chest
clear, still, cool...

We are one between the sheets
but stood there
we go deaf and we go blind

I watch this with no alarm
I can make it many things
and I can leave it blank

And I leave it blank

Breaking the Jug

See here my new beginning
Here is my new world
Taste this candy
Rhubarb and custard
But what is what on the tongue
And what is what to the Heart-
Excitement and fear
Excitement and fear
And this heart burns
I was already held
Drop your fear Heart
Drop your fear Heart
And let me shine
Drop your fear Heart-
See how we shine.

Lake waters and moonlight
Cleansing me, finding the white,
showing the road to the peace inside
It was never night, never night
Always seeing the light

And the noise-
Dont get caught in the noise
All the daisies you sowed
All this garden you toiled
With your own heavy feet
Trampled down, trampled down, trampled down
as your tears flow
You've got to grow- forward
Step out of the noise
Step out of the noise
As the fire dances
I see many faces
There are other travellers on this road
We get weary
We are tender, tender at times
In this sacred place
In an open space
I know- I am already held
And we all learn to burn-
forward

Drop your fear Heart
And let me shine
Drop your fear Heart
-right here and now-
See- we all shine!

To My Brother

Each year now
It sneaks up on me
Through the fabric
of reality
it comes close, so close,
that if I could only reach out
and lift the thin veil of time
there you would be
tall and slim and boyish
grinning and excited.
I may never know
what happened
and where you decided to go
but each year
I treasure this day
when you're right here, facing me
behind that thin veil of time
and I know we are both loved.

Whos Making My Mind Up???

Choose,
you've got to choose- schmooze
notice how every moment of non decision
you're not even alive,
suspended on pause
a lonely character in the woods
soon the moss will invade
all your cavities
soon there will be nests
in your beard
and still you stand
undecided- which path?
Waiting for the film to come to the end
but it just keeps going
someone must have pressed the Repeat button
and still you cant see...
There is noone else
to come. Noone will come.
There is only You.

To Ask or Not to Ask

From my brief personal survey
it seems that opinions vary:
some say
Those who ask dont get, those who dont ask dont need.
some say
Ask and you shall be given
(or for-given)
if enough sincerity
has been conveyed.
some never ask
and insist life is meant to be a struggle-
a true opportunity for all of us
to become totally independent
(one must prioritise contributing
to one's private pension fund
by all means!)

Have it your way
but I've got to say
last month I asked
and I was given,
last week I asked
and I've been given
and last night I asked again-
and promptly it has been delivered!

Struggle if you must
or sink into your heart
and enjoy the ride!

Creating Miracles...

Detect Change

Change you difficult thing-
hard to embrace,
hard to allow,
somethimes hard to notice!
How will you know?
Its when you write to a friend
(and its been a few full moons since the last word)
and a thought crosses your mind-
perhaps they wont recognise me
any more?
Change, you, beauty!
I do love it
when you surprise me.
Go on, surprise me again!

Our Feelings

Our feelings
arent just important historical evidence
like photos that we keep pulling out
to look over again and again,
Our feelings
arent just important part of our experience
like colour that we put on blank canvass
for emphasis
our feelings are all that there is!
Our feelings are everything-
the cause, the presence, the aftermath
of all that we are!
Feelings are not accidental,
complimental, inconsequential!
FEELINGS ARE US!

Beyond the storm of our feelings
there is nothing
and Peace
is the eye of the storm.

Eyes Wide Open

All she did was ask-
so what does that confusion feel like?
that stuckness??

And I felt it, oh, I felt it,
out of thin air
it came all over me
heavy in my stomach,
muddle in my head,
sick black feeling
and total
powerlesness

All she did then was ask-
so who created this experience?

Erm......that would be Me!

It didnt descent upon me as a curse
from OUTSIDE-
no,
I MADE IT!
There and then!
A master creator!
WOW I am GOOD!!!!!!!!!!
It only took about 10 seconds
but I reckon
I'm better than that usually,
much better

So what about ALL those other times

Me, still me...
Found my favourite place to rest in-
confusion!
its cosy there
not much is possible while I'm in there

Jeez, is it time
to have a different experience???
Do I want to?

Oh YES I do.

Eternal

How many of us get to say
"I have ALWAYS wanted you"

And how many of us
know what that means

Sanity of the Humanity

There is a lie
you only get to discover
after a certain age
no one mentions it
you might never know
though brave comedians
occassionally joke about it
how we knew it all at seventeen
and gradually lost it
but always sure to bring themselves
back into line fast
lest their review
condemns them to a
psychiatric examination.
And creative folk-
they might refer to it
but its different for them,
they sort of have claimed
this truth as their own
which is amazing
considering how hard everyone else is lying!
Oh and the other day
I met this psychopath
she really was
A fascinating woman
grandiose as Taj Mahal
or may be Rome itself-
all of it I mean!-
yes, she claimed to know the truth too
though I was weary of her
and her claims
as I couldnt verify any of them
on google
but could clearly verify
her symptoms
A few claim to have found comfort
in the discomfort of truth
without needing to burn it
constantly
into art
lest it burns you
(which is how artists are made)-
psychologists mainly
with letters after their name
and a few book deals
and a quiet standard life mostly-
the spouse, the kids, the dog,
nothing out of ordinary
Some thread the thin safe line
between the lie and the truth
if you can call it threading-
10 hours a day on a mat
and motionless-
staying on a path this narrow
does require one's full attention
constantly
you really cant afford to
take your eyes off it.
The rest of us
muddle on.
The rest of us
struggle on.
The rest of us
get prescription drugs
move countries
take a year out
do a pilgrimage
promptly followed by
a change of faith
or depression
take lovers
leave lovers
all the while plagued
by this dark dark feeling
that something just isnt right
on a big scale
that we can not still be grieving
that push into the puddle
on the way from school
and we start to face this feeling
that someone somewhere lied
about everyone else
like all those amazing minds
got confused there for a while
over gravity
and particles
and we are losing the grip
trying to understand
why our quantum parts
dont just gravitate
in predictable trajectories
down down down
and safe safe safe
and always where we can see them!
And we take an awful long time
to find that truth.
I suppose some never do.
And if we do
we dont really know
what to do with it...
That simple truth
that
THEY
JUST
DONT

And there isnt any more to it.

Caught in Projections

So you insist you've been cruel to me
I hear you well, you really want
to apologise
for being so cruel
forcing this cruelty thing
down my throat
I am honest when I tell you
it said many things to me
(mainly immaturity and anger)
but cruelty was not amongst them

For feeling cruel at times
(just like we all do),
for judging yourself as cruel
at times,
for judging cruelty
and your ability to contain it
there is someone else to talk to.
This isnt mine.
And if you're truly kind
and are looking for forgiveness-
forgive Yourself.
And breathe easy...

Meditation on Fulfilment of Love

This room is light up with
only a chain of fairy lights
and there you sleep
an angel visitor to my life
dreaming your little girl's dreams
as I invite contemplation
and ask What would fulfilment
of love look like in my life?
I listen for an answer
keeping thoughts at bay like
annoying summer flies...
And eventually
with tears comes the answer:
THIS!
This is exactly what it looks like-
me here to kiss your knee
when you fall over,
me next to you when you
try out your new joke,
me here to see you sleep and at peace.
This is true fulfilment of love
and I vow to never sell out again.

Contain This

Each day many times I wonder
Am I really all despair?
Am I really all dreams?
Am I all music,
all peace, all longing?
Am I again all hurt?
Am I all passion,
all commitment,
all vision,
all energy?
Am I all sense and measure?
Am I all abandon?
Am I all nurture,
am I really all just sex?
Am I all love and friendly shoulder?
Am I all learning,
am I all inertia through and through?
Can I be all criticism
and can I be all inspiration today?
After keeping records for a while
I see all these and more I am
fully
one at a time
or combinations
It is still a long way
to integration...
The vastness of a human being
requires an ever expanding
frame of reference. 

Moth
flame
men
burn

Bee
honey
men
nourish

Excite
dont burn
Protect
dont suffocate

Passion
life
safe
together

Taking each step in honesty
No matter how far the mountain top
You smile. It is quiet down here,
not much happens. And so be it.

The Moon is again outside my window
She keeps coming back
And just so my pangs for Love
Keep coming back like the Goddess Moon

Perhaps she belongs in Italy
Being a real volcano
Vicious, powerful and frightening
Though mostly full of hot air!

On Forgiveness

Who can explain
when I am to know
that a deed is forgiven?
Because when you kissed
that other girl
I had been so fragile
and vulnerable
out of touch with love
out of touch with myself
and so the newly built safe place
imploded
and collapsed over my own head
and it hurt
and the brick wall
didnt alleviate the pain
not one single bit
and so you became my hostage
and I had a hardened heart
that never forgot
and never forgave
til it was sick of the sight
of its own bitter,
self-righteous face.
I make an intention
to finally set us both free
Forgiveness,
I beg, please visit me
and my humble door tonight.

Incantation to the Topless You

Its those shoulders I keep thinking about-
I confess I am totally besotted-
the soft mountains with their rolling ups and downs
and nooks and crannies just for my head to rest
dont worry about shortbread and souvenirs
just bring those two back
when you return

Remembering

So...this is all about helping me to remember you see. There are things I once knew- right here- but then I forgot. I thought I had changed. I thought I should change. I thought I needed to be different. I just thought too much. I thought this is what it is like to be an Adult. I thought it wasnt that much fun but it was OK.
But then I got sick. I got really, really ill and couldnt do any of the things I normally did. I certainly didnt enjoy doing anything and even sleeping was hard work. And then one day- while I was still so sick- I saw that I didnt like my life at all. And whats worse- I could not find any will to live. It had vanished. I didnt care if I lived or not, if I ever got better or not. I didnt mind dying. It was all just such hard work and no will to live. No spark! I realised I had lost all the sparks that I once used to have. I was boring and bored. I was stifled. I was all fizzed out. And then in my sick tired head I REMEMBERED! As I was too sick to go to work or shopping or anywhere at all, I had a lot of time to pass. And this is how I remembered what it used to be like! I am talking about a feeling here. A feeling, when you are little, and you wake and immediately it all rushes to you all at once, it takes away all the sleep and hits you awake instantly, the feeling of excitement! and possibilities! and the unexpected! and being busy! and being so alive! Days used to be these exciting things that I never wanted to end and couldnt wait to begin again! Days used to go by way too quickly. There was never enough time and too many things to do! Exciting things! And each of those things mattered and each of them demanded everything from me! And I used to have arms that show things and talk to people and dance and make necklaces out of acorns. And I used to have legs that didnt think twice about doing a cartwheel and skipping and taking me places fast. And I used to have a voice that told long stories and sang and was very very busy- my voice used to have so much to say! What a remembering that was of all those feelings and all those ways! I was very confused in my ill head as to when exactly did I lose it?? What had happened and when? Where once days used to be exciting and sleep a bother, all I wanted to do now was sleep and run away from my own life if I happened to catch myself awake?
And I wondered as I saw all this- can I ever truly get back there?? And I set to find out...

In Our Heads

Love affairs,
family affairs,
feelings hurt,
feelings injured,
actions explained,
choices justified,
regrets let go of,
shame validated,
forgiveness executed,
acceptance attempted,
peace restored
and no need for a single
real time conversation.
Amazing places our heads would be
if any of it could be for real.
But we still remember,
we still hurt,
we nurse the insatiable regret,
and when all else fails
we give ourselves that last gift of
"oh well"...
High flying spiritual love
really aint worth that much
where simple interpersonal
talking and hearing is absent.

Good Morning

the mellow light of the morning is here
announcing one more new day
and today I get her excitement,
I understand her impatience-
there might be beaches, friends
and jelly beans,
her every move is a joyful creation,
she constantly sings,
for her the juice of living
is in the living,
it can not be found amongst the bed sheets!
so get up and find out
what will this new day bring???

My Will to Live

Some dark places are these
that I seem to have chosen
to visit though I have
no recollection of making
this particular choice
like Hopelesness and
Helplesness and where they dwell
no matter how hard I look
I have to admit my
Will to Live is missing
nowhere to be seen
not even one smiley
corner of the usually
cheerful thing-
completely missing!
ravaged by fever I lie
in my hot bath of
natural oils and remedies
wondering how will I ever
climb out of this dark
dark place with not as much
to lean on as a
Will to Live

And when I'm better
and when I can breathe again
upright and full chest
when I sit again on
the buttressed roots
of the park figs
growing roots and shoots
grown men climbing overhead
excited and free like
children-
then I look down
the dark dark pit,
cross myself over
three times and
pray for those
who never made it out
and how easy that would be
on one hopeless and
helpless day. I leave it
behind
in the dry leaves
and walk on.

The Theory of Tenderness

Every valid theory
is a beam of light with its promises
and every valid theory
is a black whole with its lack of fingers and hands.
Theory of Tenderness
like a beam of light
keeps your hope going
but eats you up from inside
with its unrealty
'til all of your flesh is gone
and only a shadow remains.
Only when Tenderness
grows fingers and hands
and really touches
you know
that no theory can be valid
until it has become
a sensual thing.
And how powerful then!

A Lover

I once had a lover
he loved me well
he loved me all night
and he loved me more in the morning
and after he'd loved me
he held and he kissed me
little tender kisses
with his small mouth
all accross my face
and all accross my chest
and with all those kisses
I never got any rest

On Sex

Whatever we do
we mustnt talk about sex
because noone really does it do they?
noone really wants it do they?
ladies dont possibly get horny now do they?
isnt it a luxury, a hard earned pay off
for loyalty?

May be it is time to come out honestly
and declare to myself:
Sex is great!
I want lots more of the brilliant mind blowing thing!

Much Lost, Much Gained and Much Remains

Who cast it and how
we might never know
but the spell is broken
and I can tell you now
that what you do
and what you say
can no longer make me hurt
hopelessly
except if I
momentarily
forget what its like
to be Human

A Moment of Clarity

It never is that we dont know what we want
It often is that we are very confused
thinking we dont know what we want
while in truth we are exasperated
that circumstances or people in our lives
wont deliver us what we want
no matter how much we want them to!
Like these Digestive biscuits
really do not satisfy
like a hot muffin straight out of the oven
white chocolate melting, berries and coconut...
But I eat the dry thing
and I mumble that this will do
while I winge about the cold morning air
and the walk to the bakery...
Do I need to spell out the answer???
Off your arse and start walking!

When Saying Good Bye

Where do our lovers go
Once they're done with us?
First they go away
taking their bodies with them.
Out of our reach.
Then in some years
these wrinkles, these eyes,
these hands, these thighs
all once so cherished and kissed
and been to all sorts of mysterious places
will come to rest.
Our lovers, they too will die.

And what happens to that
which was once so enormous
that it once filled the whole world?
And what happens to that
which once seemed indestructible?
And whos cheek will their
very last breath rest upon?

Gotta Show Up!

Where is the door to that room
with mirrors
where I can see
all of Me
unfragmented?
Why do I linger- hand on the handle-
it burns in my hand,
yet I have no strength
to open it.
I can taste myself
on the tip of my tongue
yet when I need to speak me
I am mute
and I choke.
All of me is here-
in all my disguises-
and under a cloak of
invisibility.

Gotta show up.

OK with Sadness

Some times this is a place for tears
Winter rubs itself in your face
with its smells of smoke and wood,
decaying leaves and fresh water,
cold mornings when everything slows down
to a crawl.
Some days loneliness follows you around
like a shadow
wont let you go
no matter if you lick and kiss
or shrug and kick
or offer it a polite smile...
And you pray for the Sun to return
and for warm arms to cry in
where you can safely gather yourself.
And you notice how connected you are
to the sunny days of life and joy and hope
and the still overcast ones
when it is cold with the door open
but it is stale with it closed shut
and so you watch the power leak
out of the cracks of your house,
cradling your own dead arms
as the tears fall
on some days

Patiently Does It

Yet again
like many mornings
in the hot hot shower
She washes away the remaining doubts
scrubbing off the very last crumbs of them
and that dying cocoon.
She's done trying to force
the square man
into her star shaped hole
She's done abnormalising
Herself.
Shes done with the abrasion
and pain
of trying to fit.
Shes done with paying
for her own impatience
and absent belief
in her own path.
How come you're here?-
he asks
I felt like it-
she says.
These days I dont really think about it
I go where my feelings take me.
And that way
There can be no true regrets.

Peace on the River

Brisbane Nights

When this feeling hits
you see her rocking,
soothing her pain
like a Mother comforts her child
the memories flooding her mind
the lack, the never enough
stuck and paralysed
she makes a circle
out of the red ribbon
stepping out of the circle
she leaves it all behind
like a movie
it is all laid out in front of her
the unheard requests,
the fear, the hiding,
the loathing
and the whole silly thing
of being in love
with being in love
This red circle burns
it is time for a pagan dance
with heart open and seeing eyes
she kisses the earth
that all this came from
with wide open arms and singing
she invokes the new
while the old burns
and the hummingbirds
bring drops of peace
to fill the searing hole
in her heart.
With her bare hands
she gathers the warm ashes
and spreads them
on her garden beds.
And it is all good now
and she walks the path
back home.

Another Look

She is there in all seasons.

In Winter
Dad's felt boots promise warmth-
how deceiving! Her toes are stiff
with cold. But this hill glistens
all snowy white and golden with sun,
someone needs to see what is it like
on the other side? Is it time for
Snowdrops yet?
Back inside ice balls melting on
woolen tights, her cheeks red
and the wood stove leaking warmth
with crackles- little puppy
in Grandmother's hands
finally settled, ceased shivering-
comforted.
Onions and garlic keeping
in silk stockings...

In the Spring
she washes the chipped paint
off the old window frames
waiting for the boy with no name
who will bring spring forest flowers
for her vase.
She will choose him
with the biggest bunch of the white ones...

In Summer
Oh, the Summer!
The pig fodder needs to be chopped
and all that weeding!
She plants snowpeas- the aromatic type-
but the soil is all sand and
she will wait unfulfilled.
Boys and girls will come with their stereos,
taking her to the lake
over the hill
where she learned to swim.
There is a flow to each day in the Summer-
heavy pail of water from the well,
muddy feet, sauna smoke,
night fires with potatoes baked
black in the coal-
foil wasnt invented then...
In the Summer her heart is most alive,
every breath in is joy,
every breath out is hope
and the world is still very new.

In Autumn
she presses leaves- all colours
there are reds and scarlets, plenty
of yellow ones and orange.
The grain needs turning- it is hot
on her feet, earth itself in her nostrils.
On the way from school
she lets rain soak the dress and the books,
making shelter from sheets
warming and comforting her own self.
Sweet apples flavour her day,
nails black and sore back
from the potatoe harvest.
In Autumn it is time to go home.


So what of today?
I look today
and she is still there in all seasons.
She breathes and her breath in
is still joy
Her breath out is still hope.
I look today
and she says
"the world is still so very new
and the garden- bigger. Much bigger..."

Some Days

It is only a little room
and its a lock down tonight.
The tide is high in the river
white ducks are still waiting
for white bread
the boats stirring sleepy river
it reaches out to stroke
my windows with its
wet fingers.
But it is a lock down
and it is night
and I call for sleep and peace
on my knees I call for silence
and there will be no visitors.
And this curious thing happens
like in children's fairy tales-
looking at the giant tree outside
my window it takes me
and it is suddenly everywhere
and there is air in this
room and all the knots
are untangled and I am all green
and my heart- warm wood.

A Foolish Ride

Some fools
they want it all
figured out.
They'll keep on
trying.Tender
heads against
unforgiving walls.
Full speed,
exhilarating descent
down the mountain roads
what a thrilling
scenery,
the snake of the road
winding into
the unknown. The grass
never greener,
fresh air exploding
in each little lung
noone saw the warning
sign
oh, blindness
is such a comforting
blanket!

Epiphany Two

And so here she is-
seventeen and thirty three
holding hands in a circle
all complete.
No different to how she started off
but pleased with the result;
how puzzling?

Going Home

What I want to know
Is do Snowdrops still grow
In the woods below
My home?
Do I still know
My way back
to where I belong?
Its been so long...

The Ultimate Path

It started with an occassional glimpse a little while ago.
Then they started to roll and stick all together
like mercury
and the blob of the glimpse is now expanding in me,
growing like a tree.
I have seen that place beyond fear.
And I can tell you
It is scary in that tunnel that connects Here and Beyond fear...
Safe feelings can be induced Here with sufficient repetition,
a marriage perhaps and many promises restated,
a house, a career and a savings account
if you just keep on working on it day by day.
There is no fear Beyond fear-
people walk tall and true and all masks have fallen
there is nothing to fear as there is nothing else but you and Love.
But it is terrifying in that in-between place
that pulls you back like gravity
and so few make the passage...
Who will hold my hand while the vision expands in my heart.
Who will walk with me.
Perhaps on the other side we can sit on the rocks
survey the moon-lit landscape like that night in Ireland
and marvel at the expanse of Life, Love and Us.

The Midnight Swim

Not a soul was seen
only me and him
in the midnight lake
full moon lighting up the waters
rippling like beads
it was easy to think
we were part of the lake,
the water, the mud
under feet
it was easy to see
how we belong
and then he touched me
stroking my mermaid breasts
white in the moon light
his fingers
like hungry eels
entering playful
then with worship
and reverence
then amazement and adoration
serving me pleasure
on this moonlit dish
on this perfect night

Will there be healing

I hear his story and wonder if it is all about believing in his own unloveability.
Believing it so strongly that only rejection and compromises are possible.
Believing it so strongly that he too must reject- true happiness thought not deserved.
In his middle, in his very heart lies a dark disturbing secret to which he is a slave
If you listen carefully you will hear the shackles clank and his ankles so sore.
And I close my eyes and I reach out my hand and I love him.
Whether he disrespects or worships I love him.
When he rejects, when he retraces his steps I love him.
When he disappears, when hes mad, when hes self righteous I love him.
Like a buoy in the wretched see anchored deep I love him.
I finally get it.
He does not need to do anything for me to love him.
Always near him, always standing close, always within arms reach I love him.
Until he can enter his heart of hearts and sweep it clean and replace the bulb
And finally see his own beautiful greateness.

The Guesthouse (by Rumi)

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Like Coming Home

It wasnt what he said
because the words were not enough
It wasnt the voice
because the voice was absent
It wasnt the shape of the mouth
as the mouth was unseen
It was only
the uninhibited expression
of his nature
that felt like coming home
full of joy
and nothing to hold back

Convergence

It turns out
we feel in differences
and talk in differences
about the very same thing.
Convergence is beautiful!

Annihilation Anyone?

If such is the end of the world
Then we are all winners
Some of us they say
will not be able to contain
The Vibration
presumeably exploding into particles
aroused beyond containment
by titillating bliss
and some shall live
to be permanently blissed out
all three eyes sparkling
and making Love
the only currency

If such is the end of the world
I dont really mind,
Cant bloody wait.

Honouring My Instincts

So to hell with denial
I stare at those beautiful hands
Long fingers promising
Long nights of passion
The semi-exposed chest
My temperature rising
Caught in the sticky mess
Of the soup of my hormones
I surrender
To what is
And am grateful
For these pointers
To the world I havent found yet
To the path
I can not discover alone
To me
I can not discover alone...

Falling in Love

I guess we all do it differently after all

Some of us fully and then slowly retracing steps to crawl out
Some of us a little and then more and more with each day
Some of us teeter on that edge forever and ever and ever and ever
afraid to fall

But all of us should be able to
close our eyes
shut our gobs
and listen to our hearts

In the quiet
the heart knows
all there is to know
about falling in love
about giving everything
to be given everything
in return...

This Time

Just before the sunrise
the dark nigth of the soul
gets me
Looking inwards
for light and comfort
I am retreating
this may not be ambitious
but its the only
sensible thing to do

Going to the River

There is a darkness to this day
Overcast,
Trapped in the city apartment
The world is closing in
Suffocating

It is like the clouds
And the drizzle
Are inside your head
Raining dark confusion
Damp and cold

But down at the river
It is peace
This non-ambitious body of water
Just doing its thing
Relaxed
About everything

Drop the load into the water
Breathe with the slow flow
Of the brooks
And springs and streams and
This enormous thing
That this river is
Heading where its
Always been heading
Inevitably
Peacefully
Not questioning why
Are the clouds so dark today
Not pining for sun
And clarity
No resistance
To the pull
Of gravity
And the Moon
And the land

Go down to the river
Drop the load
You too can float
Down to your Sea

Wisdom of Children

In the middle of a scalding
She turns to me saying
Mummy I want a cuddle and a kiss
Her face wet with her baby tears

Is that the same as saying
Mummy, you're moving away from Love
I need to get back to Love
Where we both belong

Thanks to the wisdom of my child
We have found a way:
In our little world
A hug and a kiss heals everything.

Seeing Inside

There was a fish
And a man

It was exciting for a while
to watch them
engaged in
what looked like an adventure
A thrill of the spinning,
one excited man
and the Brisbane river
with skyscrapers
and stadium lights
in the background
It was exciting for a while
to follow
the invisible line
through the black of the night
and the black river,
uncertain yet
who is ahead
was the fish leading the man
or the man leading the fish
one couldnt tell
for a while
nothing was certain
only that it was going to be
a big one
a city grown beast
and then he came in
losing the battle
but not giving up
the thrashing and resisting thing
powerful and robbed off its power
and so the man won him
from the River
and he swung it out
and with a great big
city thud
this fish hit the real hard city pavement
and I swayed long
in the shock wave
up and down
and I hope
he died instantly

but all these things-
excitement, loss, desperation, loathing, shame, shock
were they there at all?
was I seeing clearly?

because really-what there was-
there was a fish
and a man
and may be
we can leave it at that.

Disappointment Still

Running away
Hiding
Distracting
from feeling it
Running ahead
Hiding
Ruminating
in expectations
based on avoidance of feeling it
thats what I do.
It aint very smart.
Disappointment is still
knocking on the door of my soul
every day
It wants to be felt
It wants to be allowed inside
To set us both free
From the past
From the future
Free to live now
with that what is.

This is all so easy in theory...

Fundamentalism of Belief

So call me a fundamentalist
I just cant help wanting
Everyone to believe what I believe

Its for their own good!

Its for my own elevation.
And at times its about approval.
And belonging.

But fundamentally
its about being safe.

The Palm Reading

Over lunch
russian beetroot
with pumpkin
she takes my hand
she asks me my age
she says
hold on to your seat
tight
you're about
to meet your soulmate!
He is tall
slim
sand colour hair
a different energy from yours,
very analytical

oh, and he has
an accent of sorts

Oh but you see,
it is up to you
what you do with it!

and I dont know
whether to laugh or cry

There is only fear
when I lose sight
of those two eyes
to look into

I am not prepared
for this vulnerable

New Learning

Testing sharing and caring
Oh, someone,
please come and wash up for me...

Opening and Diving

Let us put disappointment
back in the vocabulary
before a psychiatrist decides
to put it in his DSM

cant be any worse than
vulnerable surely
cant be any worse than
frustration of a dead marriage
cant be any worse than
hopeless

Funny that,
Disappointment.
At least it has future.

The Grace

It is those people we meet
and get to love
and be truly loved by
and be saved by a hand
or a thread
from falling off
the precipice
who are the reflection
the embodiment
of the good
and the strong
and the beautiful
in us.
Loving us
where we dont love ourselves
Believing in us
where we struggle to believe
Trusting in us
where we have no such trust

That I see
is our Saving Grace
in this life.

These tears
This gratitude
is for You.

The Truth Shows if You Let It

If you cry that your life is all wrong
Take a good hard look at yourself
Your life is the exact reflection
Of you and the values you carry inside

This day
I find myself on the other side of the world
As far from my family as I can be
As far from my childhood and friends as physically possible
Left my loving colleagues and friends too
Eventually got rid of my husband
and no committed lover
ALONE
on the other side of the world.
Only now I'm responsible for a child as well
How much further can I take this???
How much more alone can I get???
It is probably possible

all this time walking
one step forward two back
thinking I'm headed towards
connection, belonging, sharing
facing forward
but walking back back back

Dysfunction Begins

So what shes only 5 or 6 or 7
She can work
And if only
She works hard enough
the pile of wood two metres high
all the silver beet weeded
there is drinking water in the pail
washing up done
and floors scrubbed
may be they will notice
that she is good,
a good, good girl really
and may be she has some value
indispensible probably not
but may be she can stay here
and belong...
Offering help
her little brother
sounds like an insult
or may be a threat
and so on from this day forward.

Dysfunction begins

Chapter Twenty Five

After a period of grieving
She lets go
and gains emotional freedom
She remembers how to open to love again
Meets a soulmate
And they live and love and share deeply together
interdependent
mutually supportive
with care and passion
Until the end of their time
And into the New World

The End.

Present in the Moment

Look, brother,
He is hurting
And there is nothing to do

With Care

With this dainty red china
and sun through the curtains
she wakes
Its like Paris
with pancakes
and coffee
and the train rattles past
He is there
and she smiles
a morning smile of a Goddess
so very well taken care of...

Daily Forgiveness Required

In the Guilt room
There is a prayer corner
Thats where you go
Thats where you pray
And thats where you put it down
Releasing the doves
Leaving the boulder
And forgiving
and forgiving
and forgiving...

Madness in Change

Stripping off clothes
You stand naked
Vulnerable
May be cold
Skin wants to be touched
By skin
May be clothes
Dropping the old
Staring into space
above, below and all around
Waiting for the new to settle
For the spinning to stop
Its a troubled, exciting place
Of old fears and new courage,
conquests and gentle soothing,
tears and opportunities,
Yesterday I found a ladybird there

There is a moment of madness
in true change
How scary can you handle?

How scary does it get?

How new do you want to be?

Disturbed

Knotted words and emotions
Choking the very life out of us all
Once I was all good and all right
Today you look again and I am irritating,
insensitive, negative,
fucking non-sensical,
close minded
black and white
and definitely not right...

And now I am drifting
the little thing inside
is running, its little heart beating strong,
running and not looking back,
only air and trees and sky,
wet grass, pebbles,
crow song in the morning
and I just keep running
to undo what can not be undone
to do what can not be done
its a work of a lifetime
this is it
and there isnt anything else to do
and there isnt anyone else to help
and noone else to soothe
me and you
except
me and you
and such is life

Optimistic Sadness

Looking forward
not backward
every tear
ticking
and
tocking
makes music
and marks time

Not the old time
the dead time
though vibrant

New time
ageing hope
with each drop
the ball dress
saturated
with dreams
and always smiling

Making space
for
pos-si-bi-li-ties

Abundance of Love

We shouldnt be greedy
We shouldnt hoard it
There really is enough for everyone
Happy for her with a lover
Happy for him with a mission
Happy for those who've met them
And certain
There is one
For everyone

In a connected Universe
Every loved one
Is a happy part of me

Sweetness of Love

They say its everywhere
They say its just the matter
of connecting with it
from a deep place within

If this is true
I will sit here a minute
Then open my eyes
And you will be here
To put your hands on my face
To kiss me tenderly
To stroke my hair
and me all over
And take me to bed
And dinner will burn in the oven

Mutual Support

Now theres one thats almost hard to say
and sort of makes me cringe

Having believed for decades
that I must get on, get ahead, manage, cope
ON MY OWN,
there is a sense of pride
and independence
in that.
It isnt how it started.
It started with powerlesness,
with despair
and hurt and anger and pain
being so little
facing this big big world
on my own
as percieved
and very few tools.

Having survived
and got ahead
and managed
I am proud.
Its working.
I have found a formula.
Except that
its built on a void
with no fundaments
its kind of hanging in the air
on a cloud of pain
as something in me
cries
and begs
and pleads:
"We are all here to support each other!"

And it shakes my chest like an earthquake
it expands in my heart
and it hurts
as it explodes
in slow motion

Kindness

So how about
total kindness to yourself?
Scrap the need to feel good all the time
Scrap the resistance, criticising,
catastrophising
when you feel
anything other than good.
Cruelty of the highest order,
particularly
when the reasons for feeling off
arent actually clear.
Accepting one aspect of my reality-
the highs, the pleasure, the love-
and rejecting its shadow side-
the doubt, the dark, the lows-
gives me headache.
Engaging my intellect
to figure it out
hurts my head.
Too much tension.
I welcome.
I allow.
I embrace.

Have some coffee
Drop out of this head
Extend my tentacles
to feel the world
and abide in the kindness.
After all
I totally understand
when it happens to others...

Holding on Tight

Nothing else can describe it
as well as this:
after two days of labour
believing in my imminent death
gripped and twisted by agonising pain
I have to find a way to survive
I want to live so badly
So I grab his arms
and dig in my nails
and I pin down those eyes
and decide they will not move
one milimiter
yes, do it!
stick it in
my body is twitching with contractions
so bloody close
too close
and still not close enough
but I stare with my eyeballs
all dried up
and I will not move
one milimiter
while they dig up my spine
and play with the nerves
and hopefully
are skilled enough
to leave me with all my movement
intact

iron focus
with the earth spinning
and nausea all around me
it doesnt matter
we shall overcome
because
I want to live so badly

I hold on to Hope
tight.

Connected

It is sunrise now
Dance Dervish, dance!
There is a tree in this chest
The roots have almost reached the ground
The leaves have almost reached the sky
Dance Dervish, dance!
Still darkness hides
inside
behind things
and under things
and in things
You've got to spin faster
get lighter
as the black cloack falls
and the heart trembles
not knowing its own largness.
Still the eyes can not see clearly
that which is only a sense
an extra sense that is unknown
but with the power of an ocean wave
Dance Dervish, dance,
until my thousand arms
will deliver a thousand embraces,
until clearly I can see
into the mystery,
between the molecules,
inside Heaven and Hell
and beyond

White Peace

This is where it all started
This is where it all will end
This burning garb of desire
I strip
And I find
White peace

(dedicated to LM)

No Need to Apologise

Some things are just my nature
And there will be no apology

The heavy step
He says clumsy
But I am determined and strong and
with a purpose

The disregard for detail
He says well, someone has to
But I know I will get me there
with a focus

All that emotion
He says you struggle
But I know its like nectar for the bee
with connection

When did we begin to apologise?
When did we turn against ourselves?
Whats the purpose of this?

The kicked and abandoned puppy-
Does puppy apologise and find excuses?
It hovers, it hides, it shivers
It IS fear
until it no longer needs to be fear
free to be some other way

No apology needed
None

From Peace

What does one create out of peace and calm?
It might not be a mountain with dramatic ridges
Or an abyss with a heart sinking fall
It wont be a flight or a race
Or a masquerade
Because in peace and calm
One frankly can not be bothered
With all that excitement

But there might be new nets weaved
And there might be new songs sung
On compassion
Or understanding
May be tolerance
And love

And whos to say
What matters most

On Grief

How vast is a sorrow
I walk and walk
Where does it end
If I had days
Motionless I'd lie
Ribs cracking
Under this boulder
Slow struggle for air
Loss holding me
Like a lover
All that never was
All that never will be
Mocking me
With ghostly visitations-
My dreams disfigured

But all fever passes
and all grief passes
if you let it.
May be I will
some other day soon

Observed

I get up
and I want to see
what others have done
with my life
While I was asleep

I need to see
A part of me is compelled
to check
I am burning to find out
There is a trembling in me
and an anxiety

Whos doing what with my life?
I sleep.
I wake.
There is only one me.
How curious.

Own Your Own/ On Variety

Lazy and vague
or openminded?
Intellectual
or stagnant?
Sensible
or blind?
Whos to say
Here
where everything
is so totally subjective

Family

The unit in which
those living and working together
create something much larger
than the sum of its parts.

Mother

There used to be only one
Like the Sun
That everything revolved around

And now there are so many
Like a new Constellation

I am
My friends are
My own Mum still loves

We lucky lot
With a new place in the Universe
Birthing children
and children birthing us
equally
without one there isnt the other

The enormity of the blessing
no card and no flower can reflect...
Perhaps a poem?
Its worth a try

The Struggle

Ego is so cumbersome to sustain
Tired I give up
For moments I float care free
and at peace
But when I tell It
It hits me back
with
You will always be on your own
Never to share loving someone
Straightening his shirt collar
A gentle look
An embrace
That will be your lot
(oh, we've lived together so long
traitor it knows my weakest spots)
and then It sends me a dream
swimming relentlessly
in a muddy muddy river
chasing a turtle
it is all too brown
to see
and then I am
totally swamped
overwhelmed
tears run with the water
and I really really need to
curl up into a ball
and disappear

Wow
What a backlash
for five minutes of freedom...

Chakras

Just a quick word of advice
Dont mess with them
if you dont know what you're doing
Free flowing energy
so hard to contain
can blow all your fuses
and sweep you to the sea

I surrender

A Sunday

Guitars are beautiful
and women are beautiful
men too can be beautiful
but blue tongue lizards
are shockingly beautiful
rain washing the dust off the leaves
healed skin on the fingers
wooly blankets dried by the sun
children's birthdays...

Swallowing hard
I am overwhelmed
by all this beauty today

Maddening

From the pit of my stomach
I want you so badly
There has to be some way
To bridge the distance
To invite your fingers,
Your hands, your tongue
To visit those places
Where the memory of you
Is still held
So warm and soft and wet...

Ego Anyone?

Could this be all there is
and all that needs to be
surrendered?
The funky hat,
the sarcastic joke,
the ten minutes in the mirror,
the flirtatious smile,
the self deprecation?
May be then
writing flows smoother
healing heals easier
learning comes
women stay
love unveils
and that which matters most
becomes debatable?

Life

Somewhere
Women are women
and men are men
And somebody
gets to live
Tantra
and practice
sacred sexuality
and
sexual spirituality
apparently they do
Somewhere
minds are blown
in the dark of the night
or the soft light of the morning
or daylight
while someone moves
tenderly
Somewhere
women need men
and men need women
and both are afraid to
and unafraid to
Somewhere
it is all quite simple

Anger

An angry woman
She doesnt want to
do it to others
so instead
she turns on herself
Takes her own breath away
A very very angry woman
Who loves others
too much
and herself
just not enough

No Help

Dont thank me
For helping you
I have been of no help
and we both know it
If I wanted to help
I would slap you once
Then shake you hard
and say
Stop medicating
with alcohol
At 50
havent you noticed
it doesnt change anything?
I'd shake some more
and say
Turn around
Look at your fears
Face the feelings
Get help facing the feelings
They will not destroy you
No matter how scary the look
THIS will destroy you
THIS gets you raped
and hit and homeless
and in the gutter
THIS can kill you
and probably will

I've been of no help at all
I hope someone will
Why dont you?

Nourished and Cared For

Just to make it clear
This is how I see it:

Listened to without anger, open
Held much and tight
Tears dried
Silence at times
And words at others
Brave words to challenge
Tea made
Delicious sweets
A foot rub
Interest in ordinary
Kisses on cheeks and head
and hair and shoulders
and lips and ears
and everywhere after that
Soaked in rain
Pushed up the hill
Fresh bread

Being taken seriously
with the first time
Now that is something amazing
to be on the receiving end of...

All the befriended Mums
Never quite filling the void
All the devoted boyfriends
Never quite hitting the spot
Myself
Never quite aware

Aware now
I say
I need to be nourished
and cared for
in a myriad of ways...

Relax?

And how to snap
from obsession with what I want to be
to being what I am and where I am at???

A Bodily Knowing

You really dont have to look too hard
You just need to be able to See:
Everyone is trying to connect
Everyone is reaching out
Some just have thicker skin
than others
It is quite simple really
Love is where Everyone is!

Its just a matter of
Holding out hands
and shedding skin
Shedding until we are naked
Holding until we are fabric
Or cells
Or light
Or whatever
After that we dont know yet

On Love

And so I did want you to love me
Like I wanted those other ones to love me
Love filling that black hole
Where love never was

And so I needed you to love me
Like I needed all those other ones to love me
Like I needed her to love me
Because I should be loveable
Shouldnt I?
Wasnt I?
Am I?

And so I needed to say Love Me
Say to them and to you Love Me
Let us stop all the games
So you can just love me
Please
Isnt it easy?
Isnt it so simple?
Arent I loveable???

The content of sharing isnt important
The act of sharing is most important
And so I share with myself
How much it hurts
To not be loved

And so it ends here

Great Intentions

So what scares you so much about Change?
he asks
Panic panic panic!!!!!
And in the end
I hold back
because
nothing has prepared me
for greatness
for amazing
for free
How would I possibly know what to do?

weighing up percieved gains and losses
grounded in my mind again
saved by the bell
saved by the Hell
coz its comfy here
very cozy here
and theres a special spot
for me here
others are keeping it warm
as I excercise my wings
for that day
that the line rips and breaks
and some loss of my mind
just happens

Expanding

Its like coming up for air
These moments
When everything makes sense,
There are no ties,
There are no pressures,
It all just is
And we all just are.

There is more air these days
And I love to breathe
Listening to the mute clock
Drowning in a smile
Feeling blissfully ordinary
and vast as a sky

After that
It is all green lights
It is getting what was lost
It is invitation for breakfast
It is having an answer
before the question is asked
Remaining permeable
But with a Will.

On Touch

Dont ask me how I am
Because I am
needing to be hugged and kissed
like you do

Dont tell me to love myself
in all the other ways
Needing to be hugged and kissed
can not be patched over

In two minds over desire
a problematic vice
or memory of divine
Just needing to be hugged and kissed
so desperately

Basil on my fingers
Sunset over the city hills
all would be well
all would be peace
but for needing to be hugged and kissed
so much
it hurts.

Writing and not Thinking

Moving in space
Trying to cover
Enough land
To meet Truth
Writing with tentacles
Going inside
You are important
Even though
You can not follow me

Cared For

When I unpeel another wound
I find
that unpredictability
is the scariest thing
totally throws me
freezes me
paralising...
When my friends and relations
and my lover
wont like what I like
wont do what I do
wont want what I want
Its terrifying!to live like this
one needs to run tight control of the ship
and strike pre-emptively
with force and conviction
lest one be thrown off balance first!

But underneath that
there is more...
Underneath that
it is scary to live
and impossible to trust
anyone.
Because
anyone
can
out of the blue
with no clear reason
or warning
turn and be mean to me.
And this destroys me.
Just like that they can.

Is this true???

No.

People in my life
are kind and loving.

And underneath that
there is more...
Underneath that
it is frightening to move
and I have almost died
because people
dont care about me.
Noone cares about me...

Is this true???

No.

People in my life
care deeply
about me and my needs.

Phew...
I let go some more...

Open

To percieve of the new
The old is suspended
It is so with ideas
With language,
Beliefs and views.

To see the new ahead of you
You need to look so intently
That all else falls away
Leaving only two wide open eyes
And a beating heart.

Points of Divergence

If I walk through the maze
If I get through the forests
If I crawl through the caves
If I crash from the flight

If I come to you in robes
If I come to you in tatters
If I come to you freed
If I come to you shattered

Will you then know me
Will you then see me
Will you still hear me
And what does it matter?

On Trust

There was a day with my lover
When I made a promise about trust

Within that promise lie trials
of heaven and hell
of false and real
of dead and alive
of old and new
of little and huge
of fear and love
and uncertainty

Within that promise lie I
As I unfold.
And I do.

Irrelveacne of Garmamr

As long as you get
the beginning right
and the end right
the middle bit
really doesnt matter.
How liberating!
for dyslexics
and all the other ones
living a life.

Living Memories

I love being taken by surprise
As memories arise and come to me
Not clinging to them
I relive the moments
And smile

Like that time
When you hugged my shoulders
While pointing out
The Southern Cross

Wishing for snow in the tropical night
Footprints, reflected Moon,
Cold feet and hot tea
I am wishing for the impossible

Wishing for you and me again
All the while letting go
of wishing
Coming back to what is
Between this breath and the next

How real is hope,
Do promises count,
And do dreams matter
To reality?

On Work

To change the way I live with my own mind
there is much work to be done beforehand:

There needs to be an agreement
that it is OK to not get attached to my own thoughts
certainly the background, fleeting ones
I am not talking here
about an active reflection
or focussed work on a particular issue.

Then there needs to be
a permission to be different,
a permission to change.

Then whats required
is a belief
that I deserve a different experience.

Then a belief
that such change
is at all possible

and it is difficult
to allow for uncertainty
in our universe.
True uncertainty
where absolutely nothing
is assumed to be "knowledge"
where absolutely nothing
is assumed about
the possible reactions
of others
where mind remains open
to different, unexpected
ways to be
words to say
feelings to arise
and movements
through the moment
with no labels

To be so totally open and receptive
to so much uncertainty
One needs strong roots,
wide open heart
and to be content with oneself.
And then you can say
Bring It On Baby!

Gone but not forgotten

So she died they say
In her flat
Turns out there were two of them
Both dead now

And I still have her email address
And a memory of the last hug
So tight
I thought she will never let me go
Or may be kiss me next
Like a lover

I let her go
With a feeling
that there was more
we could have done.
Thats mine to keep,
this feeling,
but not her,
I can not keep her,
I let her go

I hope it is all better now
where you are.

All my hearts love
Vita

Number One

My daughter says
You're my number One
and I love you!
And how simple is that
for a child.

Whats Your Story?

Strangers- a hand shake- a blush- sweaty hands- contacts- stories- questions- paintings and poems- surprises- desire- tears- honesty- tresholds- lips- pain- exhile- ecstasy- heart- soul. The end.

Awakened understanding
struggles.

These days
I get easily lost
in anything!
Stripes on a blouse
as absorbing
as ants.
It is all beautiful
but where in all that
am I?

This red ribbon
parting my diary
more brilliant
than anything
I have seen before.
certainly
more perfect
than I.
With this
red satin ribbon
sparkles in the sun
the world begins
and ends.
And there really
is no need in it
for I.

As Simple As That

And so whats wrong with admitting
that I am
scared at times
missing you at times
frightened to be without you
frightened that I wont cope
wanting you next to me
my body full of memory,
a true imprint of you

and it is good and well
and it comes and passes
celebrating me and you,
reminding me of the ties
possible between two people
in spirit
celebrating that loss is truly a miracle,
as loss is only possible
because we have gained so much.

And sometimes its a lot more simple-
And I just miss you so much...

Straight to the Core

The Natives call it The Realm of the Dead.

Could they mean the state of being
where most of my time is occupied
desperately trying to distract myself
from that live stream of feeling,
thought, emotion
that constantly bubbles inside...
But it is too hard to tolerate it
so I will buy some chocolate
or go see a friend,
I might talk
or I might just have a drink and a laugh
or I might read a new book
even call my family
to feel heard and understood-
well, isnt that great???
Isnt that whats called LIFE???

The Natives call it the Realm of the Dead.

The LIFE thats alive
keeps bubbling in me
like a brook
it just is
it doesnt ask for anything

My choice then is
feel it and ride it
or close that door
and pass time
in the Realm of the Dead.

You Are Never Gone

Distance doesnt matter
Fear doesnt matter
Plans dont matter
And words dont matter
To this Love.

When they start to,
You might be looking
the other way,
Away
from this Love.

You only need to turn around and look again.

You are never gone
and I am always here.

In Abundance

Stood in this place
I know
there is air and water
to sustain me
there is sweet potatoe
in the earth
there are more hugs
than I can get to
there are more tears
than I have time to cry
there are more thank yous
than days left in my life
the trees are still breathing
and lakes with a moon
and so much love
that I might burst
like a blueberry

and there is more love
than I can take
even if I was
as big as the Sun

and sometimes I am
while stood in this place

Illuminated

I dont always succeed
I sometimes only get a glimpse
But I vow to keep doing it
I have found treasure

Beyond Fear

Lifting the veil of fear,
the thick blanket of suspect motives
a new world is uncovered
one in which you are safe,
cared for and deeply loved

Lifting the veil of fear
your first love has always cared
and always will
because Love is like that

Lifting the veil of fear
your Mother has always wished you well
and held you her best
because Love is like that

Lifting the veil of fear
your brother is always with you
in unconditional admiration
because Love is like that

And that friend whom you always forget to write to
who still invites you into her home,
laughs and cries with you-
Love is like that!

And that lover whom you've never trusted
wanting to see you and hear you
and understand,
hold hands
and lend his knee to step on
to get higher-
yes, Love is like that
under the veil of fear.

Welcome it

A Wow Moment

There is a name
to this overwhelming feeling
this desire
this yearning
following me around
for most of my life

Spiritual Partnership

There are no guarantees
but it is real
it comes to those
with awareness
with a core
and a conscious life
and emotional healing
and truth
and honesty
and respect
and responsibility

Small steps...

Learning/ Living/ Forgiving

Once more I trespass against myself
Once more I exhile myself
to the leper land
communing with those
beyond redemption
at least I am not alone
even if it is in Hell
breaking bread at the fire
we speak
and we are all dripping compassion
for everyone else
but we have none
for us.
And so we burn.

Nonesense

there goes another bird
and i try to tie words to it
but it laughs
and spits at me
and tells me
i am nonsense

It Is All Right

I know this place
Round and round the circles I've been
Up and down the spiral I've been
Into the depths of my soul I've seen

I know this place
In and out of Love I've been
In and out of my mind I've been
Darkness and bliss I have seen

I still know this place
In guilt and doubt and confusion I've been
In surrender and open I've been
Miracles I have seen

I live in this place
Where all of it
Every little bit of it-
It is all Right.

On Touch

You emerge intensely touched
The expanded vaginas
gifting their last all body strokes
birthing you into the world
where you're touched
and held and soothed and stroked
with hands and bodies and breasts
being so cute and vulnerable...
But it doesnt last
and most of us crave to be touched again
with the same intensity, presence, meaning.
With the same generousity and ease.
With Love.
Learning to touch again
Learning to be natural again
A gift to Self
and a well meant offering
to the Other.

On Self Respect

This one little thing
This crucial thing
Underlying everything

How much misery
and time invested
(wasted?)
if you get that one thing wrong!

I guess the misery
Is a helper
Poking you in the eye
About truths that you're blind to
otherwise.

I thank the misery
And remind myself
This is only a game after all.

Prayer

Dear Universe
Please help me not be arrogant and spiritual
Please help me not be full of good advice
Please help me keep my mouth shut
Please help me open my eyes
Please help me have the courage
Please help me have clarity
Please help me allow others to be right
Please help me cut down on judgement

For I have seen what all that looks like
And it aint pretty

My Place

I imagine dating for fun
as a social experiment
might be a very very
worthwhile thing to do!

Meeting people
all so varied
all from different orbits
discovering the whole variety
of the human species
One might not necessarily conclude
anything about their own
"normality"
as we all live in our unique
bubbles of madness
but one might conclude
that there is
a legitimate place
for them too!

That they do have a right
to air
and space
and nourishment
if all those other weirdoes do too...

Anger

I dont know about yours
But my Anger is never Anger
It seems to be a cover up
to frustration
and helplesness
and feelings of failure

So- honouring this fact
and not wanting to suppress
(God forbid!Therapy just too expensive!)
but acknowledge
and divert
and express
with (is this possible?)
elements of joy-
when the shower
goes hot and cold
and hot and cold
AGAIN
and when the little girl
wont stop wingeing
and when
everything is plain
irritating

I sing this song:

I'm spinning out of control
I'm spinning out of control
But instead of completely losing it
I'm gonna sing this song!

A miniature breakthrough for today at least...

This Is Good News

Feeling like a pile of rubble,
Unable to define My Self
I set out to reconstruct

And in my heart of hearts I find
love for my daughter
bonds with my parents
touched by Nature
compassion for people
touched by singing
love for my brother
bond with my husband
a peaceful place
love for growing plants
love for making things with my hands
respect for my body
enjoyment using my body with joy
many powerful feelings
hunger for justice
bonds with friends
deep yearning for peace
strong connection to my homeland
deep joy in my own company
deep connecting through poetry
forgiveness
connecting through art, cinema, music, theatre
deeply moved by guitar

This may not be much
But its a good start I figure.

The Road Unfolds

Just because you can not see the road
Does not mean there isnt one
For the road is always unfolding
right under your feet-
a constant creation-
Road of your choosing
Road of your reality.

And if you manage
to not concern yourself with the destination
this is the easiest way to travel.

The Sound Bath

Someone dims the lights
we are all in a circle
eyes close
a hum begins
then a melody
then many
and words
about happy
about peace
about love and singing and joy
melodies beautiful
sincere and spontaneous
everyone free to be
in this blind sound
everyone free to give
to all and themselves

And it is a funny thing
how in this circle
you are so ALONE
...
and so COMPLETE
...
and so CONNECTED


In the sound bath of the human heart...

Emotional

Turns out there is someone
whos permission I need to get
to feel angry
to feel irritated
to feel elated
to feel love

Its ME!
Do I have the permission finally???

Imperfect

With my lungs tight
with tired sore eyes
I see that Perfection
makes a bad travel companion.
Dont follow me,
go fool someone else!

Mindfully

...from a smile to a hug
from the hug to water
from water to a peach
from the peach to a crumpet
from the crumpet to a book
from the book to a cartoon
from the cartoon to a letter
from the letter to a closet
from the closet to a toothbrush
from the toothbrush to a key
from the key to a bus stop
from the bus stop to touch
from touch to the rest
of this day
lived for once
mindfully...

Forgiveness

How much is enough?
When can we stop?
Who should we
And how to?
What difference will it make?
Will it ever run out?
Is there an end?
And Yourself?
How to start with?

Synchronicities

The book arrives
The toddler is content
This lady has a suggestion

It is all perfect
I dont resist
which leaves me flat
and feels empty
and somewhat sad
but content
resting and at peace
stripped bare
of emotions and expectations
like respite

I am sadness
for as long as I need to
until I no longer
am

Opening Up

Being simple I like to break things down
to simple. Like this:

If you think a sunny day is a good day
when you can have a good time
and really enjoy yourself
What happens when the rainy day comes???
I dont need to answer, we all know what happens...

And if you think you need love in a certain way
to really have a good time
and really enjoy yourself
nothing else will do.
Nothing else will be recognised.

And so you are showered with rain and love
but keeping your band of perception so narrow
you just dont get it
stewing
about the lack of sun
about the lack of love
while being beautifully rained on
and beautifully loved...

Words

Opening a new page
Blank
I feel my heart throbbing
I smile with excitement
I am so addicted to this!
Addicted to the anonymous honesty?
Addicted to self indulgence?
Addicted to words???

Words...
I understand the formula of intimacy now
It is showing the other
your dreams
your joy
your hurts
your ugly
The content of sharing
is not significant
no matter how disturbing
The act of sharing
is most significant
and incredible
and shocking
and with a power of a spell...

Never underestimate the power of words.