Sanity of the Humanity

There is a lie
you only get to discover
after a certain age
no one mentions it
you might never know
though brave comedians
occassionally joke about it
how we knew it all at seventeen
and gradually lost it
but always sure to bring themselves
back into line fast
lest their review
condemns them to a
psychiatric examination.
And creative folk-
they might refer to it
but its different for them,
they sort of have claimed
this truth as their own
which is amazing
considering how hard everyone else is lying!
Oh and the other day
I met this psychopath
she really was
A fascinating woman
grandiose as Taj Mahal
or may be Rome itself-
all of it I mean!-
yes, she claimed to know the truth too
though I was weary of her
and her claims
as I couldnt verify any of them
on google
but could clearly verify
her symptoms
A few claim to have found comfort
in the discomfort of truth
without needing to burn it
constantly
into art
lest it burns you
(which is how artists are made)-
psychologists mainly
with letters after their name
and a few book deals
and a quiet standard life mostly-
the spouse, the kids, the dog,
nothing out of ordinary
Some thread the thin safe line
between the lie and the truth
if you can call it threading-
10 hours a day on a mat
and motionless-
staying on a path this narrow
does require one's full attention
constantly
you really cant afford to
take your eyes off it.
The rest of us
muddle on.
The rest of us
struggle on.
The rest of us
get prescription drugs
move countries
take a year out
do a pilgrimage
promptly followed by
a change of faith
or depression
take lovers
leave lovers
all the while plagued
by this dark dark feeling
that something just isnt right
on a big scale
that we can not still be grieving
that push into the puddle
on the way from school
and we start to face this feeling
that someone somewhere lied
about everyone else
like all those amazing minds
got confused there for a while
over gravity
and particles
and we are losing the grip
trying to understand
why our quantum parts
dont just gravitate
in predictable trajectories
down down down
and safe safe safe
and always where we can see them!
And we take an awful long time
to find that truth.
I suppose some never do.
And if we do
we dont really know
what to do with it...
That simple truth
that
THEY
JUST
DONT

And there isnt any more to it.

Caught in Projections

So you insist you've been cruel to me
I hear you well, you really want
to apologise
for being so cruel
forcing this cruelty thing
down my throat
I am honest when I tell you
it said many things to me
(mainly immaturity and anger)
but cruelty was not amongst them

For feeling cruel at times
(just like we all do),
for judging yourself as cruel
at times,
for judging cruelty
and your ability to contain it
there is someone else to talk to.
This isnt mine.
And if you're truly kind
and are looking for forgiveness-
forgive Yourself.
And breathe easy...

Meditation on Fulfilment of Love

This room is light up with
only a chain of fairy lights
and there you sleep
an angel visitor to my life
dreaming your little girl's dreams
as I invite contemplation
and ask What would fulfilment
of love look like in my life?
I listen for an answer
keeping thoughts at bay like
annoying summer flies...
And eventually
with tears comes the answer:
THIS!
This is exactly what it looks like-
me here to kiss your knee
when you fall over,
me next to you when you
try out your new joke,
me here to see you sleep and at peace.
This is true fulfilment of love
and I vow to never sell out again.

Contain This

Each day many times I wonder
Am I really all despair?
Am I really all dreams?
Am I all music,
all peace, all longing?
Am I again all hurt?
Am I all passion,
all commitment,
all vision,
all energy?
Am I all sense and measure?
Am I all abandon?
Am I all nurture,
am I really all just sex?
Am I all love and friendly shoulder?
Am I all learning,
am I all inertia through and through?
Can I be all criticism
and can I be all inspiration today?
After keeping records for a while
I see all these and more I am
fully
one at a time
or combinations
It is still a long way
to integration...
The vastness of a human being
requires an ever expanding
frame of reference. 

Moth
flame
men
burn

Bee
honey
men
nourish

Excite
dont burn
Protect
dont suffocate

Passion
life
safe
together

Taking each step in honesty
No matter how far the mountain top
You smile. It is quiet down here,
not much happens. And so be it.

The Moon is again outside my window
She keeps coming back
And just so my pangs for Love
Keep coming back like the Goddess Moon

Perhaps she belongs in Italy
Being a real volcano
Vicious, powerful and frightening
Though mostly full of hot air!

On Forgiveness

Who can explain
when I am to know
that a deed is forgiven?
Because when you kissed
that other girl
I had been so fragile
and vulnerable
out of touch with love
out of touch with myself
and so the newly built safe place
imploded
and collapsed over my own head
and it hurt
and the brick wall
didnt alleviate the pain
not one single bit
and so you became my hostage
and I had a hardened heart
that never forgot
and never forgave
til it was sick of the sight
of its own bitter,
self-righteous face.
I make an intention
to finally set us both free
Forgiveness,
I beg, please visit me
and my humble door tonight.

Incantation to the Topless You

Its those shoulders I keep thinking about-
I confess I am totally besotted-
the soft mountains with their rolling ups and downs
and nooks and crannies just for my head to rest
dont worry about shortbread and souvenirs
just bring those two back
when you return

Remembering

So...this is all about helping me to remember you see. There are things I once knew- right here- but then I forgot. I thought I had changed. I thought I should change. I thought I needed to be different. I just thought too much. I thought this is what it is like to be an Adult. I thought it wasnt that much fun but it was OK.
But then I got sick. I got really, really ill and couldnt do any of the things I normally did. I certainly didnt enjoy doing anything and even sleeping was hard work. And then one day- while I was still so sick- I saw that I didnt like my life at all. And whats worse- I could not find any will to live. It had vanished. I didnt care if I lived or not, if I ever got better or not. I didnt mind dying. It was all just such hard work and no will to live. No spark! I realised I had lost all the sparks that I once used to have. I was boring and bored. I was stifled. I was all fizzed out. And then in my sick tired head I REMEMBERED! As I was too sick to go to work or shopping or anywhere at all, I had a lot of time to pass. And this is how I remembered what it used to be like! I am talking about a feeling here. A feeling, when you are little, and you wake and immediately it all rushes to you all at once, it takes away all the sleep and hits you awake instantly, the feeling of excitement! and possibilities! and the unexpected! and being busy! and being so alive! Days used to be these exciting things that I never wanted to end and couldnt wait to begin again! Days used to go by way too quickly. There was never enough time and too many things to do! Exciting things! And each of those things mattered and each of them demanded everything from me! And I used to have arms that show things and talk to people and dance and make necklaces out of acorns. And I used to have legs that didnt think twice about doing a cartwheel and skipping and taking me places fast. And I used to have a voice that told long stories and sang and was very very busy- my voice used to have so much to say! What a remembering that was of all those feelings and all those ways! I was very confused in my ill head as to when exactly did I lose it?? What had happened and when? Where once days used to be exciting and sleep a bother, all I wanted to do now was sleep and run away from my own life if I happened to catch myself awake?
And I wondered as I saw all this- can I ever truly get back there?? And I set to find out...

In Our Heads

Love affairs,
family affairs,
feelings hurt,
feelings injured,
actions explained,
choices justified,
regrets let go of,
shame validated,
forgiveness executed,
acceptance attempted,
peace restored
and no need for a single
real time conversation.
Amazing places our heads would be
if any of it could be for real.
But we still remember,
we still hurt,
we nurse the insatiable regret,
and when all else fails
we give ourselves that last gift of
"oh well"...
High flying spiritual love
really aint worth that much
where simple interpersonal
talking and hearing is absent.

Good Morning

the mellow light of the morning is here
announcing one more new day
and today I get her excitement,
I understand her impatience-
there might be beaches, friends
and jelly beans,
her every move is a joyful creation,
she constantly sings,
for her the juice of living
is in the living,
it can not be found amongst the bed sheets!
so get up and find out
what will this new day bring???

My Will to Live

Some dark places are these
that I seem to have chosen
to visit though I have
no recollection of making
this particular choice
like Hopelesness and
Helplesness and where they dwell
no matter how hard I look
I have to admit my
Will to Live is missing
nowhere to be seen
not even one smiley
corner of the usually
cheerful thing-
completely missing!
ravaged by fever I lie
in my hot bath of
natural oils and remedies
wondering how will I ever
climb out of this dark
dark place with not as much
to lean on as a
Will to Live

And when I'm better
and when I can breathe again
upright and full chest
when I sit again on
the buttressed roots
of the park figs
growing roots and shoots
grown men climbing overhead
excited and free like
children-
then I look down
the dark dark pit,
cross myself over
three times and
pray for those
who never made it out
and how easy that would be
on one hopeless and
helpless day. I leave it
behind
in the dry leaves
and walk on.