Thursday, March 31, 2011

Life

Somewhere
Women are women
and men are men
And somebody
gets to live
Tantra
and practice
sacred sexuality
and
sexual spirituality
apparently they do
Somewhere
minds are blown
in the dark of the night
or the soft light of the morning
or daylight
while someone moves
tenderly
Somewhere
women need men
and men need women
and both are afraid to
and unafraid to
Somewhere
it is all quite simple

Anger

An angry woman
She doesnt want to
do it to others
so instead
she turns on herself
Takes her own breath away
A very very angry woman
Who loves others
too much
and herself
just not enough

No Help

Dont thank me
For helping you
I have been of no help
and we both know it
If I wanted to help
I would slap you once
Then shake you hard
and say
Stop medicating
with alcohol
At 50
havent you noticed
it doesnt change anything?
I'd shake some more
and say
Turn around
Look at your fears
Face the feelings
Get help facing the feelings
They will not destroy you
No matter how scary the look
THIS will destroy you
THIS gets you raped
and hit and homeless
and in the gutter
THIS can kill you
and probably will

I've been of no help at all
I hope someone will
Why dont you?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Nourished and Cared For

Just to make it clear
This is how I see it:

Listened to without anger, open
Held much and tight
Tears dried
Silence at times
And words at others
Brave words to challenge
Tea made
Delicious sweets
A foot rub
Interest in ordinary
Kisses on cheeks and head
and hair and shoulders
and lips and ears
and everywhere after that
Soaked in rain
Pushed up the hill
Fresh bread

Being taken seriously
with the first time
Now that is something amazing
to be on the receiving end of...

All the befriended Mums
Never quite filling the void
All the devoted boyfriends
Never quite hitting the spot
Myself
Never quite aware

Aware now
I say
I need to be nourished
and cared for
in a myriad of ways...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Relax?

And how to snap
from obsession with what I want to be
to being what I am and where I am at???

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Bodily Knowing

You really dont have to look too hard
You just need to be able to See:
Everyone is trying to connect
Everyone is reaching out
Some just have thicker skin
than others
It is quite simple really
Love is where Everyone is!

Its just a matter of
Holding out hands
and shedding skin
Shedding until we are naked
Holding until we are fabric
Or cells
Or light
Or whatever
After that we dont know yet

On Love

And so I did want you to love me
Like I wanted those other ones to love me
Love filling that black hole
Where love never was

And so I needed you to love me
Like I needed all those other ones to love me
Like I needed her to love me
Because I should be loveable
Shouldnt I?
Wasnt I?
Am I?

And so I needed to say Love Me
Say to them and to you Love Me
Let us stop all the games
So you can just love me
Please
Isnt it easy?
Isnt it so simple?
Arent I loveable???

The content of sharing isnt important
The act of sharing is most important
And so I share with myself
How much it hurts
To not be loved

And so it ends here

Great Intentions

So what scares you so much about Change?
he asks
Panic panic panic!!!!!
And in the end
I hold back
because
nothing has prepared me
for greatness
for amazing
for free
How would I possibly know what to do?

weighing up percieved gains and losses
grounded in my mind again
saved by the bell
saved by the Hell
coz its comfy here
very cozy here
and theres a special spot
for me here
others are keeping it warm
as I excercise my wings
for that day
that the line rips and breaks
and some loss of my mind
just happens

Expanding

Its like coming up for air
These moments
When everything makes sense,
There are no ties,
There are no pressures,
It all just is
And we all just are.

There is more air these days
And I love to breathe
Listening to the mute clock
Drowning in a smile
Feeling blissfully ordinary
and vast as a sky

After that
It is all green lights
It is getting what was lost
It is invitation for breakfast
It is having an answer
before the question is asked
Remaining permeable
But with a Will.

Monday, March 21, 2011

On Touch

Dont ask me how I am
Because I am
needing to be hugged and kissed
like you do

Dont tell me to love myself
in all the other ways
Needing to be hugged and kissed
can not be patched over

In two minds over desire
a problematic vice
or memory of divine
Just needing to be hugged and kissed
so desperately

Basil on my fingers
Sunset over the city hills
all would be well
all would be peace
but for needing to be hugged and kissed
so much
it hurts.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Writing and not Thinking

Moving in space
Trying to cover
Enough land
To meet Truth
Writing with tentacles
Going inside
You are important
Even though
You can not follow me

Friday, March 18, 2011

Cared For

When I unpeel another wound
I find
that unpredictability
is the scariest thing
totally throws me
freezes me
paralising...
When my friends and relations
and my lover
wont like what I like
wont do what I do
wont want what I want
Its terrifying!to live like this
one needs to run tight control of the ship
and strike pre-emptively
with force and conviction
lest one be thrown off balance first!

But underneath that
there is more...
Underneath that
it is scary to live
and impossible to trust
anyone.
Because
anyone
can
out of the blue
with no clear reason
or warning
turn and be mean to me.
And this destroys me.
Just like that they can.

Is this true???

No.

People in my life
are kind and loving.

And underneath that
there is more...
Underneath that
it is frightening to move
and I have almost died
because people
dont care about me.
Noone cares about me...

Is this true???

No.

People in my life
care deeply
about me and my needs.

Phew...
I let go some more...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Open

To percieve of the new
The old is suspended
It is so with ideas
With language,
Beliefs and views.

To see the new ahead of you
You need to look so intently
That all else falls away
Leaving only two wide open eyes
And a beating heart.

Points of Divergence

If I walk through the maze
If I get through the forests
If I crawl through the caves
If I crash from the flight

If I come to you in robes
If I come to you in tatters
If I come to you freed
If I come to you shattered

Will you then know me
Will you then see me
Will you still hear me
And what does it matter?

On Trust

There was a day with my lover
When I made a promise about trust

Within that promise lie trials
of heaven and hell
of false and real
of dead and alive
of old and new
of little and huge
of fear and love
and uncertainty

Within that promise lie I
As I unfold.
And I do.

Irrelveacne of Garmamr

As long as you get
the beginning right
and the end right
the middle bit
really doesnt matter.
How liberating!
for dyslexics
and all the other ones
living a life.

Living Memories

I love being taken by surprise
As memories arise and come to me
Not clinging to them
I relive the moments
And smile

Like that time
When you hugged my shoulders
While pointing out
The Southern Cross

Wishing for snow in the tropical night
Footprints, reflected Moon,
Cold feet and hot tea
I am wishing for the impossible

Wishing for you and me again
All the while letting go
of wishing
Coming back to what is
Between this breath and the next

How real is hope,
Do promises count,
And do dreams matter
To reality?

Friday, March 11, 2011

On Work

To change the way I live with my own mind
there is much work to be done beforehand:

There needs to be an agreement
that it is OK to not get attached to my own thoughts
certainly the background, fleeting ones
I am not talking here
about an active reflection
or focussed work on a particular issue.

Then there needs to be
a permission to be different,
a permission to change.

Then whats required
is a belief
that I deserve a different experience.

Then a belief
that such change
is at all possible

and it is difficult
to allow for uncertainty
in our universe.
True uncertainty
where absolutely nothing
is assumed to be "knowledge"
where absolutely nothing
is assumed about
the possible reactions
of others
where mind remains open
to different, unexpected
ways to be
words to say
feelings to arise
and movements
through the moment
with no labels

To be so totally open and receptive
to so much uncertainty
One needs strong roots,
wide open heart
and to be content with oneself.
And then you can say
Bring It On Baby!

Gone but not forgotten

So she died they say
In her flat
Turns out there were two of them
Both dead now

And I still have her email address
And a memory of the last hug
So tight
I thought she will never let me go
Or may be kiss me next
Like a lover

I let her go
With a feeling
that there was more
we could have done.
Thats mine to keep,
this feeling,
but not her,
I can not keep her,
I let her go

I hope it is all better now
where you are.

All my hearts love
Vita

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Number One

My daughter says
You're my number One
and I love you!
And how simple is that
for a child.

Whats Your Story?

Strangers- a hand shake- a blush- sweaty hands- contacts- stories- questions- paintings and poems- surprises- desire- tears- honesty- tresholds- lips- pain- exhile- ecstasy- heart- soul. The end.
Awakened understanding
struggles.

These days
I get easily lost
in anything!
Stripes on a blouse
as absorbing
as ants.
It is all beautiful
but where in all that
am I?

This red ribbon
parting my diary
more brilliant
than anything
I have seen before.
certainly
more perfect
than I.
With this
red satin ribbon
sparkles in the sun
the world begins
and ends.
And there really
is no need in it
for I.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

As Simple As That

And so whats wrong with admitting
that I am
scared at times
missing you at times
frightened to be without you
frightened that I wont cope
wanting you next to me
my body full of memory,
a true imprint of you

and it is good and well
and it comes and passes
celebrating me and you,
reminding me of the ties
possible between two people
in spirit
celebrating that loss is truly a miracle,
as loss is only possible
because we have gained so much.

And sometimes its a lot more simple-
And I just miss you so much...

Straight to the Core

The Natives call it The Realm of the Dead.

Could they mean the state of being
where most of my time is occupied
desperately trying to distract myself
from that live stream of feeling,
thought, emotion
that constantly bubbles inside...
But it is too hard to tolerate it
so I will buy some chocolate
or go see a friend,
I might talk
or I might just have a drink and a laugh
or I might read a new book
even call my family
to feel heard and understood-
well, isnt that great???
Isnt that whats called LIFE???

The Natives call it the Realm of the Dead.

The LIFE thats alive
keeps bubbling in me
like a brook
it just is
it doesnt ask for anything

My choice then is
feel it and ride it
or close that door
and pass time
in the Realm of the Dead.

Friday, March 4, 2011

You Are Never Gone

Distance doesnt matter
Fear doesnt matter
Plans dont matter
And words dont matter
To this Love.

When they start to,
You might be looking
the other way,
Away
from this Love.

You only need to turn around and look again.

You are never gone
and I am always here.