Disappointment Still

Running away
Hiding
Distracting
from feeling it
Running ahead
Hiding
Ruminating
in expectations
based on avoidance of feeling it
thats what I do.
It aint very smart.
Disappointment is still
knocking on the door of my soul
every day
It wants to be felt
It wants to be allowed inside
To set us both free
From the past
From the future
Free to live now
with that what is.

This is all so easy in theory...

Fundamentalism of Belief

So call me a fundamentalist
I just cant help wanting
Everyone to believe what I believe

Its for their own good!

Its for my own elevation.
And at times its about approval.
And belonging.

But fundamentally
its about being safe.

The Palm Reading

Over lunch
russian beetroot
with pumpkin
she takes my hand
she asks me my age
she says
hold on to your seat
tight
you're about
to meet your soulmate!
He is tall
slim
sand colour hair
a different energy from yours,
very analytical

oh, and he has
an accent of sorts

Oh but you see,
it is up to you
what you do with it!

and I dont know
whether to laugh or cry

There is only fear
when I lose sight
of those two eyes
to look into

I am not prepared
for this vulnerable

New Learning

Testing sharing and caring
Oh, someone,
please come and wash up for me...

Opening and Diving

Let us put disappointment
back in the vocabulary
before a psychiatrist decides
to put it in his DSM

cant be any worse than
vulnerable surely
cant be any worse than
frustration of a dead marriage
cant be any worse than
hopeless

Funny that,
Disappointment.
At least it has future.

The Grace

It is those people we meet
and get to love
and be truly loved by
and be saved by a hand
or a thread
from falling off
the precipice
who are the reflection
the embodiment
of the good
and the strong
and the beautiful
in us.
Loving us
where we dont love ourselves
Believing in us
where we struggle to believe
Trusting in us
where we have no such trust

That I see
is our Saving Grace
in this life.

These tears
This gratitude
is for You.

The Truth Shows if You Let It

If you cry that your life is all wrong
Take a good hard look at yourself
Your life is the exact reflection
Of you and the values you carry inside

This day
I find myself on the other side of the world
As far from my family as I can be
As far from my childhood and friends as physically possible
Left my loving colleagues and friends too
Eventually got rid of my husband
and no committed lover
ALONE
on the other side of the world.
Only now I'm responsible for a child as well
How much further can I take this???
How much more alone can I get???
It is probably possible

all this time walking
one step forward two back
thinking I'm headed towards
connection, belonging, sharing
facing forward
but walking back back back

Dysfunction Begins

So what shes only 5 or 6 or 7
She can work
And if only
She works hard enough
the pile of wood two metres high
all the silver beet weeded
there is drinking water in the pail
washing up done
and floors scrubbed
may be they will notice
that she is good,
a good, good girl really
and may be she has some value
indispensible probably not
but may be she can stay here
and belong...
Offering help
her little brother
sounds like an insult
or may be a threat
and so on from this day forward.

Dysfunction begins

Chapter Twenty Five

After a period of grieving
She lets go
and gains emotional freedom
She remembers how to open to love again
Meets a soulmate
And they live and love and share deeply together
interdependent
mutually supportive
with care and passion
Until the end of their time
And into the New World

The End.

Present in the Moment

Look, brother,
He is hurting
And there is nothing to do

With Care

With this dainty red china
and sun through the curtains
she wakes
Its like Paris
with pancakes
and coffee
and the train rattles past
He is there
and she smiles
a morning smile of a Goddess
so very well taken care of...

Daily Forgiveness Required

In the Guilt room
There is a prayer corner
Thats where you go
Thats where you pray
And thats where you put it down
Releasing the doves
Leaving the boulder
And forgiving
and forgiving
and forgiving...

Madness in Change

Stripping off clothes
You stand naked
Vulnerable
May be cold
Skin wants to be touched
By skin
May be clothes
Dropping the old
Staring into space
above, below and all around
Waiting for the new to settle
For the spinning to stop
Its a troubled, exciting place
Of old fears and new courage,
conquests and gentle soothing,
tears and opportunities,
Yesterday I found a ladybird there

There is a moment of madness
in true change
How scary can you handle?

How scary does it get?

How new do you want to be?

Disturbed

Knotted words and emotions
Choking the very life out of us all
Once I was all good and all right
Today you look again and I am irritating,
insensitive, negative,
fucking non-sensical,
close minded
black and white
and definitely not right...

And now I am drifting
the little thing inside
is running, its little heart beating strong,
running and not looking back,
only air and trees and sky,
wet grass, pebbles,
crow song in the morning
and I just keep running
to undo what can not be undone
to do what can not be done
its a work of a lifetime
this is it
and there isnt anything else to do
and there isnt anyone else to help
and noone else to soothe
me and you
except
me and you
and such is life

Optimistic Sadness

Looking forward
not backward
every tear
ticking
and
tocking
makes music
and marks time

Not the old time
the dead time
though vibrant

New time
ageing hope
with each drop
the ball dress
saturated
with dreams
and always smiling

Making space
for
pos-si-bi-li-ties

Abundance of Love

We shouldnt be greedy
We shouldnt hoard it
There really is enough for everyone
Happy for her with a lover
Happy for him with a mission
Happy for those who've met them
And certain
There is one
For everyone

In a connected Universe
Every loved one
Is a happy part of me

Sweetness of Love

They say its everywhere
They say its just the matter
of connecting with it
from a deep place within

If this is true
I will sit here a minute
Then open my eyes
And you will be here
To put your hands on my face
To kiss me tenderly
To stroke my hair
and me all over
And take me to bed
And dinner will burn in the oven

Mutual Support

Now theres one thats almost hard to say
and sort of makes me cringe

Having believed for decades
that I must get on, get ahead, manage, cope
ON MY OWN,
there is a sense of pride
and independence
in that.
It isnt how it started.
It started with powerlesness,
with despair
and hurt and anger and pain
being so little
facing this big big world
on my own
as percieved
and very few tools.

Having survived
and got ahead
and managed
I am proud.
Its working.
I have found a formula.
Except that
its built on a void
with no fundaments
its kind of hanging in the air
on a cloud of pain
as something in me
cries
and begs
and pleads:
"We are all here to support each other!"

And it shakes my chest like an earthquake
it expands in my heart
and it hurts
as it explodes
in slow motion

Kindness

So how about
total kindness to yourself?
Scrap the need to feel good all the time
Scrap the resistance, criticising,
catastrophising
when you feel
anything other than good.
Cruelty of the highest order,
particularly
when the reasons for feeling off
arent actually clear.
Accepting one aspect of my reality-
the highs, the pleasure, the love-
and rejecting its shadow side-
the doubt, the dark, the lows-
gives me headache.
Engaging my intellect
to figure it out
hurts my head.
Too much tension.
I welcome.
I allow.
I embrace.

Have some coffee
Drop out of this head
Extend my tentacles
to feel the world
and abide in the kindness.
After all
I totally understand
when it happens to others...

Holding on Tight

Nothing else can describe it
as well as this:
after two days of labour
believing in my imminent death
gripped and twisted by agonising pain
I have to find a way to survive
I want to live so badly
So I grab his arms
and dig in my nails
and I pin down those eyes
and decide they will not move
one milimiter
yes, do it!
stick it in
my body is twitching with contractions
so bloody close
too close
and still not close enough
but I stare with my eyeballs
all dried up
and I will not move
one milimiter
while they dig up my spine
and play with the nerves
and hopefully
are skilled enough
to leave me with all my movement
intact

iron focus
with the earth spinning
and nausea all around me
it doesnt matter
we shall overcome
because
I want to live so badly

I hold on to Hope
tight.

Connected

It is sunrise now
Dance Dervish, dance!
There is a tree in this chest
The roots have almost reached the ground
The leaves have almost reached the sky
Dance Dervish, dance!
Still darkness hides
inside
behind things
and under things
and in things
You've got to spin faster
get lighter
as the black cloack falls
and the heart trembles
not knowing its own largness.
Still the eyes can not see clearly
that which is only a sense
an extra sense that is unknown
but with the power of an ocean wave
Dance Dervish, dance,
until my thousand arms
will deliver a thousand embraces,
until clearly I can see
into the mystery,
between the molecules,
inside Heaven and Hell
and beyond

White Peace

This is where it all started
This is where it all will end
This burning garb of desire
I strip
And I find
White peace

(dedicated to LM)

No Need to Apologise

Some things are just my nature
And there will be no apology

The heavy step
He says clumsy
But I am determined and strong and
with a purpose

The disregard for detail
He says well, someone has to
But I know I will get me there
with a focus

All that emotion
He says you struggle
But I know its like nectar for the bee
with connection

When did we begin to apologise?
When did we turn against ourselves?
Whats the purpose of this?

The kicked and abandoned puppy-
Does puppy apologise and find excuses?
It hovers, it hides, it shivers
It IS fear
until it no longer needs to be fear
free to be some other way

No apology needed
None

From Peace

What does one create out of peace and calm?
It might not be a mountain with dramatic ridges
Or an abyss with a heart sinking fall
It wont be a flight or a race
Or a masquerade
Because in peace and calm
One frankly can not be bothered
With all that excitement

But there might be new nets weaved
And there might be new songs sung
On compassion
Or understanding
May be tolerance
And love

And whos to say
What matters most

On Grief

How vast is a sorrow
I walk and walk
Where does it end
If I had days
Motionless I'd lie
Ribs cracking
Under this boulder
Slow struggle for air
Loss holding me
Like a lover
All that never was
All that never will be
Mocking me
With ghostly visitations-
My dreams disfigured

But all fever passes
and all grief passes
if you let it.
May be I will
some other day soon

Observed

I get up
and I want to see
what others have done
with my life
While I was asleep

I need to see
A part of me is compelled
to check
I am burning to find out
There is a trembling in me
and an anxiety

Whos doing what with my life?
I sleep.
I wake.
There is only one me.
How curious.

Own Your Own/ On Variety

Lazy and vague
or openminded?
Intellectual
or stagnant?
Sensible
or blind?
Whos to say
Here
where everything
is so totally subjective

Family

The unit in which
those living and working together
create something much larger
than the sum of its parts.

Mother

There used to be only one
Like the Sun
That everything revolved around

And now there are so many
Like a new Constellation

I am
My friends are
My own Mum still loves

We lucky lot
With a new place in the Universe
Birthing children
and children birthing us
equally
without one there isnt the other

The enormity of the blessing
no card and no flower can reflect...
Perhaps a poem?
Its worth a try

The Struggle

Ego is so cumbersome to sustain
Tired I give up
For moments I float care free
and at peace
But when I tell It
It hits me back
with
You will always be on your own
Never to share loving someone
Straightening his shirt collar
A gentle look
An embrace
That will be your lot
(oh, we've lived together so long
traitor it knows my weakest spots)
and then It sends me a dream
swimming relentlessly
in a muddy muddy river
chasing a turtle
it is all too brown
to see
and then I am
totally swamped
overwhelmed
tears run with the water
and I really really need to
curl up into a ball
and disappear

Wow
What a backlash
for five minutes of freedom...

Chakras

Just a quick word of advice
Dont mess with them
if you dont know what you're doing
Free flowing energy
so hard to contain
can blow all your fuses
and sweep you to the sea

I surrender

A Sunday

Guitars are beautiful
and women are beautiful
men too can be beautiful
but blue tongue lizards
are shockingly beautiful
rain washing the dust off the leaves
healed skin on the fingers
wooly blankets dried by the sun
children's birthdays...

Swallowing hard
I am overwhelmed
by all this beauty today

Maddening

From the pit of my stomach
I want you so badly
There has to be some way
To bridge the distance
To invite your fingers,
Your hands, your tongue
To visit those places
Where the memory of you
Is still held
So warm and soft and wet...

Ego Anyone?

Could this be all there is
and all that needs to be
surrendered?
The funky hat,
the sarcastic joke,
the ten minutes in the mirror,
the flirtatious smile,
the self deprecation?
May be then
writing flows smoother
healing heals easier
learning comes
women stay
love unveils
and that which matters most
becomes debatable?